A Brighter Tomorrow

I love, love, love the seemingly endless options when it comes to clothes. I can fall in love with peplum dresses and then a few weeks later wear nothing but bodycon dresses and before you know I am wearing nothing but leather. I love finding a new style. I recently fell in love with ultra-glossy stockings and I am obsessed with the way they shine on my long legs. A few weeks ago I had planned on wearing a pair of black glossy stockings with a short dress (naturally) and I looked forward to my outfit and going out for a few days. When I got dressed that morning I discovered that my stocking had a run in it and that was the end of that planned outfit. Not having another pair I had to put together a completely different outfit, from heels to jewelry to clothes at the last minute. It sounds a little dramatic to say I was disappointed but I was excited about my outfit.

When the planned outfit was no longer an option I was faced with a lot more choices that I had to quickly make. I mean, yes I could have worn a different pair of stockings or tights, but I really wanted the glossy look. I was really feeling myself that day and to be perfectly honest I was looking forward to wearing something that was a little more head-turning. I work hard to keep my legs shapely and I love showing them off. I don't remember what I ended up wearing that day but I did wear something that I felt just as cute in. I still had a fun day. I know that changing your outfit is not the end of the world but it still is disappointing when plans don't work out. Yes, I was annoyed to see the run and I bitched about it for a minute but being able to adapt is crucial when it comes to surviving.

It's evolution, baby.

Just as plans and outfits need to be flexible, we need to be able to adapt to changing circumstances and unexpected events. You know, like pandemics.

This all sounds dramatic (and silly) to equate a global crisis with an outfit and I am aware of how trivial clothes are compared to COVID. I assure you that I know that they are not the same thing, they are not even close.

I love having something to look forward to, whether it is an outfit or a vacation, I also love looking back and reflecting when I hit a milestone. It's easy to do that at the end of a year, especially this one. In February I wrote about goals and challenges for 2020. This was a few weeks before COVID really started its grip on the United States. My plans for the year (and every year) are usually pretty ambitious. This year I wanted to do more photo shoots, attend a fancy gala in a beautiful gown, go out more, and fly pretty (basically travel en femme). Of course, flying at all was not an option regardless of which gender I was presenting as. Going out wasn't fun, masks covered my makeup that I worked so hard on. Basically the goals I had set for myself for the year went completely out the window.

And yes, I know much of this is very shallow. I know and grieve for those who have lost family members, their businesses, their jobs, and more. If you have been impacted by COVID this year I am truly sorry and I assure you that I know that my year is nothing compared to yours. I am aware of how fortunate I am. I am aware of how blessed my life is that I have not been impacted on a serious level by the pandemic. I certainly don't mean to minimize anyone's pain or loss.

Although all of our lives are very different from each other, what we all have in common is our femme identities. Whether we are bi-gender or have transitioned or you just love wearing panties, we all have a side of us that needs to be taken care of. We need to acknowledge who we are. I need to go out en femme on a regular basis. Ideally I love going out about twice a month in normal times. Usually once to meet up with friends, the other to spend the day by myself shopping or just taking a little vacation from my male life. It's self-care, right? Of course I wasn't able to do that this year as often as I would have liked. Even if there wasn't a mask mandate or restaurant restrictions where I live it's just common sense that going out maskless (or even at all) is not a good idea. Yes, I can and I do dress at home but let's be honest, it's not the same. It's wonderful to get dolled up but when I am en femme I like to be doing SOMETHING.

So, how did I take care of my femme identity? I know this sounds (and is) shallow, but I think most of us can relate to this, but I shopped. A lot. I bought a lot of lingerie, a lot of panties, and a lot of nighties. I bought panties because I love wearing something pretty under my boy clothes. It's how I stay in touch with this side of me when I have to be in male mode. I bought and wore a lot of lingerie because it makes me feel beautiful. I love feeling sexy. I love wearing something so super feminine. I added a lot of nightgowns to my wardrobe. It's been hard to go through the year with so little to look forward to but I knew that no matter how my day went I could look forward to falling asleep, and waking up, in a new and beautiful nightgown.

Of course, this wasn't the same as dressing to the nines in an amazing dress and going out to dinner, but it helped. If going out en femme is a little vacation, then staying home wearing a cute cami and leggings is a perfect staycation.

Going to the mall and looking for a new dress wasn't really possible for most of the year. so shopping online was usually the only option. This year changed how I shopped, and where I bought new clothes. Many businesses struggled this year. Some of my favorite restaurants closed over the past few months. I always have supported local businesses but this year I have made a bigger effort to do so. I'll go to the local coffee shop, the family-owned bookstore. I'll look for a dress from an independent business instead of Amazon. This year has reminded me of how quickly things can change and how we really must take care of the lives and the world we want to live in and that includes the businesses we value.

I learned a lot about myself over the past few months. I had a COVID scare earlier this year and I thought a lot about my life while I sat in the emergency room waiting for test results. Thankfully all of the tests I have taken have all come back negative but each time I took one I spent the days waiting for results thinking about... everything. If I had COVID what plans would I make? I admit I thought a lot about my personal affairs whether it was finances or other contingencies. I thought a lot about my friends and family. I thought a lot about what I would regret. I thought about my life and if I was living how I wanted. Whenever I got a negative test result I looked at it as if I were getting a second chance. I felt as if I dodged a bullet. I thought a lot about what I wanted to do with my life once COVID wasn't as deadly as it is today. Like my plans for this year, I know I want to do more en femme. Having lived in a year when that was not always an option I was reminded how something I took for granted could be taken away. I thought a lot about my friendships and those closest to me. Very, very few friends know about... well, all of this. Perhaps it's time to tell them.

Like the outfit I had been looking forward to, this was not the year I had planned. We all have dreams that were derailed, denied, and delayed. It was a hard year for all of us. We are all hoping for a better 2021. And the most optimistic of us, myself including, we're already looking forward to a brighter tomorrow.

Love, Hannah